I can’t figure it out. I know, believe, and practice that all foods fit in a healthy relationship with food, but why do I feel so anxious, stressed, and emotionally burned out when I eat chocolate – even the dark, organic, fair-traded, women-supported, fancy stuff?
In the COVID spring of 2020, I noticed a habit creeping in. Like many people, I coped with the pandemic world. I also wrestled with my own reality of being an only kid to a now single parent and felt like I didn’t fit in the big city or the small town I called home.
Taste-testing Dad’s latest cookie-bar recipe, I’d pick out the 60% chocolate chips to have a more chocolate-ty eating experience. If he didn’t finish the bag of chocolate chips while making the cookies, I’d finish that off for morning dessert with my fake coffee (I love the bitter-and-sweet-combo swirling in my mouth!)
To practice what I professionally preach (intuitive eating, all foods fit in a healthy relationship with food), I’d buy the darkest chocolate bars our sad rural grocery store carried. Apparently, cowboys and ranch women aren’t into dark, fair-trade chocolate.
I wanted to prove to myself chocolate could be in my life on a regular (daily) basis. That it was completely normal to do so, and I had full permission to eat chocolate whenever I felt like it. And I did – until my body and nervous system revolted.
It didn’t happen overnight. But over days and weeks, sleep became difficult even if I’d eaten chocolate before noon. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, my brain thinking through EVERYTHING. I couldn’t get back to sleep until 4 am! I’d drag myself out of bed around 7 am, and do everything I could to function like a normal person even though I was exhausted!
I was stuck in the habit of needing chocolate to function after nights of shitty sleep because of eating chocolate! Now, here’s where things get a little more complicated.
I’m a woman in midlife. At an age where it’s normal to be awake at 2 am and not fall asleep again until 4 am. It’s also seen as normal for me to feel pissed off at any random thing even if it makes no sense at all. The age where wild hormone fluctuations rock my world in more ways than I appreciate – thanks perimenopause!
Do you see my dilemma? Is it the chocolate that makes my nervous system go crazy? The not sleeping well? The crazy “hormone soup” I’m swimming in? Am I looking for excuses to not eat as much chocolate secretly hoping I’ll avoid midlife weight gain?
Yeah, I’m a weight-inclusive, anti-diet dietitian, but I’m also a human female surrounded by diet-wellness-beauty culture, so let’s lay all those cards on the table!
After a near panic attack on a plane to Alaska for a 2-week vacation with my boyfriend, and almost sliding down a steep vertical slope due to a full-blown panic attack while hiking on snow (hiking on snow wasn’t a new thing for me, BTW), I decided to do a little experiment on myself. I needed to figure out this midlife nervous system shitstorm I was experiencing. I didn’t know who I was anymore!
I decided to break up with chocolate temporarily. No set amount of time or any expectations (i.e. on the first of the month I’ll stop eating chocolate and then I’ll lose weight – nope). I told myself to stay curious, notice how my body responds to not eating chocolate as a ritualistic part of my life, and move through the grief of saying goodbye (temporarily).
To be honest my break up with chocolate didn’t start cold turkey. I had a bar the first month, a few squares/pieces the second month, and then I didn’t really think about it that much. The grief of chocolate not being in my life was strong at first. I’d remind myself the experiment was temporary.
Then the shift happened. My sleep improved, I felt less anxious about everything, and back to my old self. It was amazing!
But that couldn’t be the end of the experiment. Because that would be the diet culture version – gave up the food, felt great (lost weight – I didn’t), never eat the food again! If I was to keep this truly objective and curious, I had to rekindle my relationship with chocolate to see how my body and nervous system would respond.
After about 4 months of being mostly chocolate-free and feeling like my old self (I’d already somewhat recovered from the other life stressors), I was on another trip with a friend who also adores chocolate.
We picked up a few bars of our favorite dark chocolate with fun add-ins like sea-salted almonds, currents, and chilis. I gave myself full permission to have as much as I wanted. I enjoyed the bars with my faux coffee and didn’t think twice about how will the chocolate affect me. My sleep was the best it had been in a long time and I didn’t have any spikes in anxiety – all while traveling. Was that it? Could chocolate and I be friends again?
After we got back from the trip, I bought more chocolate to take back to the chocolate food desert I live in most of the time.
The chocolate was supposed to be for holiday baking. But after 5 days its siren sound called me from the pantry. I polished off the chocolate in a couple of days and then it hit me.
The pissed-off edgy emotions started to creep back into my brain, my nervous system started to contract and no matter what I did, I couldn’t fully relax my body.
My experiment concluded, here’s what I learned. Yes, I feel less angry and anxious, and more like myself when I don’t eat chocolate regularly. But does that mean I can never eat chocolate again?!?!
Throughout the experiment, I didn’t pay attention to any physical changes in my body to avoid diet mentality. The pursuit of weight loss wasn’t the point for me. I wanted to feel better in my body and mind. My reactions were dose-dependent and take a while to amp up my anxiety. Now, what to do with this research data?
I continue to teach my clients an all-foods-fit approach to a healthy relationship with food. The experiment taught me about the nuances of practicing intuitive eating in midlife.
Experiments like this can help you understand what healthy eating or gentle nutrition means to you – without diet mentality noise. How do you do it?
I recommend working with a certified intuitive eating counselor. They can help you stay open, curious, and as far away from a diet mentality as possible when you work on your relationship with food.
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