“Comparison is the thief of joy” ~ Theodore Roosevelt
What is body image and how do you define it? It’s not only how you see your body. It’s also how you perceive other people see your body. Perception and comparison are survival mechanisms that have kept humans alive for thousands of years.
They’re what keep you safe at night walking down a dark street. And they’re what has kept women running on the hamster wheel of body fixing for generations.
I recently listened to a guided meditation in the Ten Percent Happier App led by Jeff Warren, best-selling author and journalist turned meditation teacher.
Jeff describes moving to a new town and constantly comparing its shortcomings to where he used to live. Eventually, he noticed how doing so kept him from being present in his new surroundings.
As I listened to his experience I thought, “this sounds similar to the body image comparison trap.” Comparing our bodies to those around us has become synonymous with being female in our perfect appearance-obsessed culture.
This comparison intensifies during perimenopause as our bodies shape-shift into a new season of life. In the book Pursuing Perfection; eating disorders, body myths, and women at midlife and beyond by Margo Maine Ph.D. and Joe Kelly, a 2012 study found that eating disorder symptoms, dieting and body checking behaviors, and weight and shape concerns increase for women in midlife.*
For example, of the women studied, 79% reported that weight and body shape affected their self-image and 60% reported concerns about weight and shape negatively affecting their lives.* (PMID: 22729743)
This body comparison trap has been passed down for generations. A 1983 Glamour magazine survey of 33,000 readers showed that 75% thought they were overweight when in reality only 25% of them were – and that’s by 1983 BMI standards, 15 years before the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute lowered the BMI ranges making millions of Americans overweight and “obese” literally overnight!*
So, why is body comparison so pervasive and especially problematic during perimenopause and menopause? As Jeff would say, “let’s explore.”
You’ve been taught to compare your body to others for survival
If you’re thinking “I do that…I compare my body to other women around me or I worry what others are thinking about my body,” there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s completely understandable why you fall into the comparison trap.
You’ve been culturally conditioned over the decades to compare your body to others in order to maintain acceptable social status as long as you “don’t let yourself go” while aging – and even better if you can defy aging by shrinking your body.
If you’ve been around this blog and my weekly newsletters for more than a minute, you know how devastating dieting can be to your physical and mental health.
You know that dieting is one of the main causes of eating disorders in women of any age, and weight cycling (losing and re-gaining weight) increases the risk of high blood pressure, blood sugar control issues, and heart disease – ironically, all the things you’re likely trying to avoid by dieting.
Comparing your body to others also keeps you from being present in your here-and-now body – sensing its hunger (physical and emotional), what you need/want to feel satisfied, and what fullness feels like.
Comparison can also take you out of the present moment by fixating on what your body looked like in your 20s or 30s keeping you from finding peace and satisfaction with your body today
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If you’ve realized how futile comparing your body to others is, especially in today’s influencer-social media era, you can still get tripped up comparing yourself to your younger self which can be a form of self-sabotage, holding you back from undieting your life and savoring food and your body.
For example, say you come across a picture of yourself from a trip that you took in your late twenties – before having kids, when you had more time, mental space, and freedom to be more active, eat whatever you wanted, and generally consider your needs more often.
As you look at the photo you see a different body, a thinner body, a more abled or more fit body. And you think, “if I could just get back to size X, I’d be as happy and free as I was in that photo…able to travel more, spend my time as I want…if I could just lose these X pounds.”
But was it really the smaller body that gave you all those things, or was it the season of life you were in? Are you really missing that smaller body or missing what your life was like back then or both?
And what if during that time you were dieting and religiously working out because you had the time, mental space, energy, and drive to do so?
Maybe it didn’t matter that your life was consumed by the diet mentality then, but can you devote that much attention away from the rest of your life now?
You might see yourself in the photo, love the way you look, and forget all the effort it took to get your body to look like that.
In either case, hanging out in that “I wish my body looked like THAT again space” also keeps you from connecting to your here-and-now body – connecting to your wants, desires, and needs for satisfaction today, which are likely different than they were in your 20s.
So, how do you get out of the body comparison trap? With the help of a meditation tool, I learned from author and meditation teacher Jeff Warren, Equanimity.
Equanimity is about letting things be what they are without judgment or reaction. It just is what it is. This is a perfect tool for practicing body acceptance and moving towards body peace.
For example, instead of wishing your body was smaller, younger, fitter, whatever, consider putting that energy into focusing on this moment right now being, “exactly right” as Jeff says in the meditation about the comparison.
I felt the mic drop when Jeff said, “there’s nothing to compare this moment to because it’s completely unique and fresh.” And guess what, so is your body.
Let’s apply the “this moment right now, exactly right” practice to your experience with your body.
Your body as it is right now can’t be compared to any other time in your life because it’s been evolving and changing – constantly remodeling itself every day, week, month, year, and through the decades.
If you allow yourself to view body changes with equanimity, you’ll create space to practice being “in this moment exactly right.” By doing so, you’re more likely to connect with your body to feel subtle hunger (physical, emotional, spiritual), to notice what it takes to feel satisfied with food and life, and what fullness feels like from food and life in general – without bingeing, and without burning yourself out.
When you accept your body as it is now and bring a sense of peace to it being “exactly right” you’re likely to focus less on body fixing through restrictive eating and over-exercising.
And you’re less likely to cope with difficult emotions by fuckit eating, social media scrolling, or obsessive exercising – anything that keeps you disassociated from feeling intense emotions like the grief of not having a smaller body, your 20-year-old body, your body not functioning the way it used to, or worrying about your health not being as flawless as you once thought it was.
Healing your body image and avoiding the comparison trap during perimenopause and menopause is hard work, but it’s rewarding work.
Every minute you chose to practice equanimity with your body, you’re more likely to talk about your body in a positive way. You’re more likely to respect and care for your body by practicing gentle nutrition, getting adequate sleep, moving your body in ways you enjoy, and making stress-resilient practices a priority.
The really big added bonus of all this and why the hard work is REALLY worth it?
Young women and girls will hear you and notice how you treat your body with kindness and respect. By choosing to practice equanimity with your body and being “at this moment, exactly right,” you’ll pull yourself out of the body comparison trap. You might even stop the generational body comparison trap altogether, helping to eliminate eating disorders in young girls and women forever.
*Resource: Pursuing Perfection; eating disorders, body myths, and women at midlife and beyond by Margo Maine Ph.D. and Joe Kelly, Routledge, New York, New York, 2016
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